New Year Thoughts

As of writing this, half the day is already gone. I sit here with chicken wings and curry puffs hastily bought from IKEA, letting my thoughts flow down from my head to my hands. I didn't stay up for the countdown last night. To me, this day feels just like any other. Perhaps because it's a Wednesday. Perhaps I've just gotten older.

Last year, I told my university counsellor that I always tell myself that I'll get better tomorrow, only to fall back into the same patterns as before. "Maybe because you're waiting for tomorrow, even though you already have a new beginning now?" was his response, and it's been on my mind ever since.

It's an ebb and flow, just like the ocean waves. Some nights I wonder if this is all my life will ever be, if I'll be stuck in this loop forever, knowing what's wrong with me but being unable to change. Other nights I laugh to myself and think of my friends fondly, realizing that I've finally found people who care for and appreciate me in my classmates and professors. Most nights, though, I'm scared. I'm scared to finally feel love and happiness, only for it to be taken away again.

I came into 2024 with zero expectations. I didn't want to let myself get disappointed. And yet, I've accomplished so much since then.

I completed my three-month internship in a city five hours away from my home, and I survived living all on my own. I passed my driver's test after months of stressing, and on the first try too, which is rare for us folks in Malaysia unless you bribe the officer. I got a tarot reading, went thrifting for the first time at an artisan market, walked over four kilometres to find a temple to the Chinese impermanent gods. I was made to believe I was useless my whole life, but now I realize I am anything but.

A lot of people tend to attribute their childhood to being the best years of their life, claiming that it only goes downhill from there, but some of us find solace in the freedom of adulthood, of being able to walk away from painful or uncomfortable situations. Plus, it's easier to be surrounded by like-minded folks in university. Throughout my childhood, people saw me as weird, even labelling me as a freak of nature. I always sat alone at lunch, if I decided to come down to the cafeteria at all. Now, people actually find me interesting and endearing. Who could have imagined?

I still think this is going to be a stressful year ahead. I'm going to be taking on my final year research project, and afterwards, start on graduate school applications. Plus, I have some projects on the side along with my plans for art, comics and writing. I already forsee that I will be scattered with far too many responsibilities.

But I survived last year. I'll survive this year too.

Posted on 1st January 2025.